Please, Kill a Mockingbird!
by Codi
Summary: they mimic, they follow you, they crap in your grass, they're fair game, they ruin your windows, they molt, they attract bigger preditors, they fly in circles, they never stop singing, they eat everything, they deprive you of sleep by chirping into the l


-"But remember it's a sin to kill a mockingbird." That was the only time I ever hear Atticus say it was a sin to do something, and I asked Miss Maudie about it. "You're father's right," she said. "Mockingbirds don't do one thing but make music for us to enjoy. They don't eat up people's gardens, don't nest in corncribs, they don't do one thing but sing their hearts out for us. That's why it's a sin to kill a mocking bird.".  
  
Uh huh. there are plenty of reasons why a person would want to shoot one of those annoying animals! Eh hem, let me begin.  
  
1.They poop on your lawn.  
  
It was a bright sunny day and Atticus Finch flung open the screen door and took a deep breath of the fresh air. He looked up into the sky and stuffed his hands in his pockets, preparing to take a routine stroll through the garden. As he slowly walked along, pondering as he went, he heard a soft sound of a nearby Mockingbird.  
  
"Ah. it's a wonderful day," he beamed at the sun, which beamed down at him. Atticus smiled lightly, chuckling to himself.  
  
"And why. hello Mr. Mockingbird." He stepped up to the Mockingbird that sat humbly on Atticus's wooden fence. The bird glanced down at him, whistling prettily. Cocking his innocent little head, the Mockingbird turned his back on Atticus and triumphantly let loose a dump in the middle of the garden. Atticus stood shocked, but gained his senses just in time to see the bird again dump a crap on his perfect grass.  
  
2.They mock you.  
  
Atticus ignored the bird's flaw.  
  
"Oh well," he sighed, "It happens to all of us." He merely shrugged it off and continued on his stroll. Atticus smelled the pretty flowers and smiled at the sun. The sun, out of politeness, grinned back. Atticus noticed that as he walked, the Mockingbird seemed to follow.  
  
"Is something the matter, my friend?" Atticus frowned slightly, leaning towards the animal. The bird puffed out his chest and coughed: "The matter!" Atticus laughed pleasantly at this.  
  
"Oh, so you're a talking bird?" He gleamed.  
  
"Oh, so you're a talking bird?" the animal mocked, perfectly imitating Atticus.  
  
"Well, well. Can you say. It's a beautiful day?" The bird raised an eyebrow at Atticus, hesitated, and then repeated the sentence. Atticus chuckled, then went back to his stroll, whistling while he walked. But the bird followed.  
  
"Shoo now," Atticus waved his hand at the bird, but it refused to move. It simply cocked its head and ruffled it's feathers.  
  
"Shoo now," The bird repeated.  
  
"Good day to you!" he raised his voice, but the bird didn't budge.  
  
"Good day to you!" it repeated.  
  
"Stop mocking me!"  
  
"Stop mocking me!"  
  
"Quiet!"  
  
"Quiet!'  
  
"SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!" Atticus gasped in alarm. He had never lost his temper at such a splendid creature before. He blinked twice, fixed his glasses and adjusted his wig.  
  
3. They ruin your windows  
  
"My, my..." Atticus closed his eyes and shook his head. "I don't know what's gotten into me, I better go inside, I've had quite enough." He placed his fingers to his temples and stepped back into the house. He sat down comfortably in his chair, and opened up the daily newspaper. He gently shook it, and prepared to read.  
  
"Hello Atticus," Scout squealed, bounding into the room, "Again you're up at your ungodly hour."  
  
"Hello there, Scout. I have already taken my stroll through the garden." He hesitated and smiled up at the sun, the sun ignored him, "I met the most peculiar Mockingbird..." he sighed, looking towards the sky.  
  
"Oh tell me please," Scout whispered, hopping into Atticus's lap. He smiled down at her, but before he could continue, a noise had interrupted him. THUD! BUMP!  
  
"Oh my!" Atticus's eyes widened as he witnessed the bird throwing itself against the window, "Oh dear! Oh dear!" He set his newspaper down on the kitchen table. Scout jumped off of his lap.  
  
"What is he doing, Atticus?" she asked innocently.  
  
"I don't know Scout, don't watch!" He shielded her eyes as the bird backed up and pounded harder against the window. It fluttered and puffed it's feathers, but soon gave up and flew away.  
  
"What happened?" Scout whined.  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"Hey Atticus, what's that up in that there sky?" She pointed to many tiny dots in the distance. Atticus walked towards the window and touched his glasses.  
  
"Why, I can't tell, Scout," he whispered. The little dots grew bigger, and soon Atticus and Scout could tell what they were.  
  
"ATTICUS!!!!!!" Scout shouted, "What are they doing!?!" Approximately ten Mockingbirds were flying their way.  
  
"LOOK OUT SCOUT!!!!" Atticus screamed, pulling Scout away from the window.  
  
"ATTICUUUUUUS!!!" Scout shouted in alarm.  
  
"SHUT UP! DO YOU EVER STOP WHINING!?!" he cried at Scout as the Mockingbirds flung themselves against the glass. BOOM! BAM! CRASH! And once they finished bashing the window, they came back for a second round.  
  
"They've gone mad!" Scout screamed.  
  
"Scout, go, stay with Jem, you two will be safe in his room!"  
  
"Yes!" she said, nodding her head and running. Atticus headed for the door, then turned around.  
  
"Scout."  
  
"Yes, Atticus?"  
  
"If I'm not back in five minutes... wait longer." He headed out the door.  
  
4. They mimic like vampires (taken from "Interview with a Vampire")  
  
Atticus jogged out the door. He trudged into the garden and noticed that the Mockingbirds were gone. He looked around, puzzled, then slowly shoved his hands in his pockets and pushed up his glasses.  
  
"Hmmm..." He touched his chin and looked around. He noticed the Mockingbird on the wooden fence, where it had been before. He stared at it, a couple yards away. It didn't move, "Crafty," Atticus grinned stupidly, just staring. Then he took a step forward. So did the bird. Atticus stopped and stared. So did the bird. Now the bird slowly lifted his right wing, but Atticus hadn't moved. It started to sing, throwing back his head, showing his beak.  
  
"You want to drive me to madness!?" Atticus asked outraged, only to hear his own voice mimicked back.  
  
"Animal!!!" he screamed, "Monster!!!!" At this the bird stopped singing. His face turned stern.  
  
5. They fly in circles  
  
The Mockingbird forced a deep, rumbling sound from it's chest. Atticus became quite afraid of this and backed away. Suddenly, the bird took flight.  
  
"WHU...?" Atticus looked over his shoulder to follow the bird. It flew in circles around his head.  
  
"STOP IT!" he screamed.  
  
"STOP IT!" the bird cawed back.  
  
"STOP!"  
  
"STOP!"  
  
"I MEAN IT NOW!"  
  
"I MEAN IT NOW!"  
  
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Atticus screamed in frustration. He fell to his knees and started tearing up the grass. He let out a shrill cry of terror, and rolled onto his back.  
  
"GRAH! AHHH! FAHHH! AH! AH! AH!" He huffed and puffed. His wig fell off, his glasses hung askew. His clothes were ripped, his shirt was soiled, and the Mockingbird just flew around and around his head, singing gently. Atticus followed the bird with his eyes. The Mockingbird flew up into the sun.  
  
"AHHH!' Atticus screamed in hysterics, "MY EYES!"  
  
5. They never stop singing  
  
Atticus rushed into the house. The mockingbird stared innocently after him. When he came back out into the garden, the Mockingbird was singing politely. Atticus forced a warm smile to his face, and attempted to reason with the bird.  
  
"Um, excuse me. Perhaps, I overreacted." Atticus paused, wrinkled his brow, and lowered his glasses to stare at the creature. The Mockingbird nodded at him to continue.  
  
"I suggest a mature way to handle this. Truce?"  
  
The bird blinked.  
  
"You know... if you fly to the neighbors yard, I'll let you sing your heart out, I'll even let you take a dump in their garden. Just, please, leave me alone." Atticus was shaking with anger, for the bird kept on singing, and didn't appear to have heard anything he said at all. Atticus's eye twitched, but he simply brushed off his torn suit and looked up into the sky. He smiled at the sun, the sun frowned and was angry at Atticus for not minding his own business.  
  
"Sweet... little bird," he smiled evilly at it. The bird's eyes got wide, and it backed away from the madman, still singing.  
  
"All you do is sing." Atticus said quietly, "All you do, you good for nothing..." The bird sang furiously, trying to drown out the anger. It's soft and flowing voice traveled through the garden, and into Atticus's ears. Atticus twitched, but kept silent. The Mockingbird raised it's voice to a high, magical note, unnatural, and impossible for human vocal cords. It poured everything it had into this song, but Atticus had had enough.  
  
"Nice birdie," he called to it, "Come to me!" He slowly lifted his eyes forward. The bird sang on.  
  
"Come here!" he screamed, growing crazed, his eyes were bloodshot, "YOU CAN NOT FLEE!!!!!" he shouted, grabbing for the bird. It dodged him easily, singing still louder.  
  
"DARN YOU! AHHHHH! SHUT UP!!!! SHUT UP!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!" He let out a shrill scream, throwing his hands in the air. The bird sang on. That was the last straw, the stupid bird was going down! Atticus reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a rifle.  
  
"BURN IN BIRDIE HECK!" he screamed, firing four straight shots at the bird. For, everyone in town knew Atticus had the best shot. He watched as the bird plummeted from the sky and landed with a thump on his lawn. Atticus picked up a stick and poked the bird into a hole, and carefully, neatly, pushed a little sprinkle of soil over the evidence. Atticus brushed off his hands and walked back indoors, where Scout was waiting for him.  
  
"Atticus?" Scout sounded worried.  
  
"Yes Scout?" He plopped himself back into his chair and continued with the newspaper.  
  
"Did you solve the problem?"  
  
"Yes I did Scout. Here, will you give this back to Jem?" Atticus handed Jem's rifle to her and she gleefully bounded to his room. She returned a second later.  
  
"Atticus?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"You didn't...?" A look of surprise and worry crossed her face.  
  
"Of course not, Scout. You know it's a sin to kill a Mockingbird." He crossed his legs and cleared his throat.  
  
"Oh Atticus, I love you!" Scout jumped into his arms.  
  
"I know..." He grinned superiority.  
  
You think it's a sin to kill a Mockingbird? Maybe Harper Lee has never come across a Mockingbird, or maybe she's never even seen one. But whatever the excuse, the varmints are annoying, dirty animals, that might carry deadly diseases. Contact with these animals can drive a person to insanity or even death. So beware the killer Mockingbird my fellow believers; beware. 


End file.
